How to protect yourself from other peoples’ emotions
Do you consider yourself to be an empath? I know I do. I’m a regular weeper at the end of films or documentaries, and a post from Good News Dog on Instagram can make me cry in the morning before I’ve even managed to get out of bed. 😭
I once cried at work when someone gave their notice in, because I was so excited for them...
There’s a fine balance, though, between empathising with people and allowing their moods and emotions to seep into your very soul, and wind up affecting the way you’re choosing to spend your day.
Do you sometimes go away from a meet-up with a friend feeling kind of strange, off kilter and like something’s not quite right?
I find I feel exactly like that when I’ve been hanging out with people who gossip or who talk a lot about things from a position of not being in a growth mindset. These days, I soon identify what’s going on there, and I tend to politely disengage myself from them. No animosity, no judgement.
You do you, boo (as Cody Rigsby the Peloton instructor might say) but you’re not the person for me, unfortunately.
This is all very well when the person in question is a friend or an acquaintance. But what if they’re someone you have to spend time with? We don’t always have the luxury of being able to avoid them, indefinitely.
Perhaps it’s Barry from the office, who’s like a walking Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh. Every time you have to talk to him, whether it’s because you’re in a meeting with him or you’ve just accidentally bumped into him at the water cooler, you can literally feel the life draining away from you, a little more for every minute you’re forced to spend in his company.
Or maybe it’s someone in your family. My mum (as I’ve mentioned on quite a few occasions) was a difficult person to like, no matter how much I loved her. I usually left her house with many mixed emotions, none of them particularly uplifting, other than ‘whew, I’m glad I’m not as troubled as she is’. (Sorry Mum, RIP, love ya!)
Anyway, what I’m saying is that sometimes you’ve just got to deal with tricky, demotivating people. Such is life.
How, then, do you protect yourself, your own delicate equilibrium, from being derailed and ending up in a demotivated, de-energised slump for the rest of the day?
Take heart, because I’m here to tell you that it is possible to both care about other people AND to protect your own peace of mind.
I listen to a lot of self-help related podcasts, and I read a lot of self-help books.
I’m not telling you that to boast, neither of those are inherently good or bad things, rather to explain that I’m aware of a heck of a lot of folks in the self-help arena, one way or another.
I have my favourites, and they’re often either people who focus a lot on mindset (Rob Dial (the Mindset Mentor) or Jeff Sanders whose podcast is called The 5am Miracle) or people who are baldly honest about how they live their lives and share hints and tips on how to improve them (Leonie Dawson, Marie Forleo, Mel Robbins to name but a few).
One person whose podcast I’ve been listening to and whose books I’ve been reading for a very long time is Gabrielle Bernstein.
She’s a bit of an outliner on the list I shared above, because she’s very very spiritual. She talks openly about the concept of angels and what some might cal lthe more woo-woo side of self-help and manifestation.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not sneering at Gabby’s ideas. Far from it. The more I read and learn and the more I know about how the brain works, the more I understand how much we still don’t know or understand about the human body, the human mind and also a lot of things in general.
Don’t believe me? Have a look at this article from New Scientist magazine or this from the BBC!
So. I listen to Gabby’s podcasts with an open mind and an open heart, even if sometimes I personally believe that some things (e.g. manifestation) are less to do with miracles and more to do with spending time actively priming our Reticular Activating System.
But once in a while (as with most of my most beloved podcast hosts) Gabby says something that stops me dead in my tracks.
I can’t remember the exact wording now, but a while ago she said something along the lines of:
To protect yourself from other people’s emotions, imagine yourself wearing a heavy cloak, and visualise those emotions rolling right off it.
Wow. As you know if you’ve read a few of my articles, I truly believe that the simplest, easiest to implement ideas are often the most useful.
Why? Because they’re easy to put in place. There’s little to no friction, and they’re usually free and quick to try.
The danger, though, is that people think life is this enormously complex thing, and that if something’s so simple, how on earth could it possibly work?
I have news for you, my friend. Life is not complicated. Sure, it can sometimes be hella hard…
But it’s actually very simple.
You have this moment to live. And you can choose what to do (or not to do) with it.
Keep on doing that, and choosing what feels to you like the best option at the time, and you will live a good life, and by good, I mean one which feels to you like it was the right way to live it.
Will you still make mistakes? Sure. Of course. Will you still face difficulties and heartbreak and pain? Definitely.
But there’s no alternative. It’s a blessing and a curse to be here, alive in this moment and as healthy as we are.
I took Gabby’s idea with me into my daily life, and I ran with it. After a few days, I realised that it works very well. I also tweaked it a little, to imagine that I was wearing a sou’wester.
Why did I do this? I mean, come on. It’s a totally ridiculous-looking piece of clothing. I think the fact it’s rainproof, and also the fact that it’s really easy for me to imagine, as someone’s emotions are moving in my direction, pulling that out of my back pocket and plonking it on my head. The idea makes me smile.
And then I can listen to people, as actively as possible, honouring the fact that they’re sharing some small snippet of their lives with me, and I know that those feelings are not being absorbed into my own psyche.
This is not, to be clear, a way of taking the mickey out of anyone. Rather, it’s a protective mechanism. As a life coach, you’re honoured to be given a small window into peoples’ lives, and if you can help them to process their feelings and work out their own way to move forward in life, then your job is well done.
But burnout is a real thing, and it can make many people in caring professions end up choosing another career, which is an enormous shame. I believe tactics such as this, as well as my work in learning how to compartmentalise enables me to show up authentically for each person in a healthier way.
Does it always work? No. Nothing always works for everyone. And anyone in the self-help arena who tells you differently is mistaken.
But it helps. And that’s all that matters.
So, what do you think? Is this a technique you might try out, next time you feel other peoples’ emotions encroaching on your own sense of peace?
Do you have a similar technique you use already? I’d love to hear about it!